Category: Writers Block
This is a poem I wrote last night. There's a lot of metaphor in it, but it might only make sense to me. Let me know what you guys think.
The Dance Of The Selves
We dance.
Your slender frame held safe in my arms,
gentle poise, against my passionate bravado.
You peace and quiet emotion,
me speaking too loudly but only in the desperate hope of your hearing.
We dance.
To music played by the orchestra of surrounding conversation.
You the clarinet, the soft and melodic,
accented by the picalo trills of your laughter.
Me the trumpet, driving and counterpointing the harmony of your quiet tune.
The music set to the strident timpany of my beating heart.
We dance.
You two faceted emeralds and spun gold,
I two orbs of molded amber.
I, unable to venture into the light of your two eyes.
Worried what I might find there, happiness, friendship,
or the flicker of the romance the molded amber surfaces of my eyes keep hidden from you?
We dance.
Our selves like the pillar of an arch,
which clash and oppose yet support each other.
Each side necessary in the stance of the other.
I rush to lead, and you passively follow.
Yet it is your movements which stir my own,
it is we both who make this arch.
We dance.
And when the dance is over I still remain,
twirling with you around the floor of my memory.
My arms remember your slender figure,
and the music of your voice still echoes in my mind.
We dance.
And I do not wish for the dancing to end,
And so I wonder in reluctant silence.
Can you see through the motions of my dancing,
and tell of my secret desire for you?
And so I silently ask you in my soul,
do you want this dance too?
It's a nice poem. It certainly is metaforic, but I don't think I misunderstood its meaning. That's nice, because a lot of the poetry I've come across really does make sense to everyone but me. My only suggestion is, when in a couple verses you start with "you" and "I" put a comma right after, it helps with the flow a little. The last two lines felt a little off to me, not in their meaning, but in their exicution. I think it's the "and so" part, which threw me off a little. Overall it's a nice poem.
it is a great poem. yes it is metaforic, and it can mean so many different things to different people. but its indeed a very nice metaforic way to express. you express it well, maybe can have a better flow, but after all, its good. Keep it up! :)
I agree with the suggestions poster 2 made. Also, in the last two stanzas, just delete the word and at the beginning of lines. It interrupts the flow of the poem. Frankly, the and at the beginning of those lines made me feel like I was being stabbed.
Other than that, it's quite nice. The metaphors are pretty clear, and add beautiful imagery.